In the workplace, having good interpersonal relationships plays a crucial role in reducing staff turnover, enhancing creativity, and increasing job satisfaction. The key is that the outcomes are not limited to how others see us, but also depend on whether we believe in the positive evaluations others have of us.
Research indicates that in the initial interactions, people often underestimate the level of affection others have for them. This misjudgment can not only affect first impressions but also potentially hinder deeper collaboration in the workplace. After an initial conversation, many people are confused about whether they left a good impression, leading to a barrage of questions: “Do they like me or are they just being polite? Did they find what I have to say interesting or displeasing? Are they engrossed in thought or bored?”
In the field of psychology, researchers seek to unravel whether these confusions are exaggerated by needless worries, whether people can really be aware of the image they project in others’ minds, and whether anxiety leads them to make incorrect assumptions. After nearly a decade of research and tens of thousands of observations, the findings reveal a fact: people generally underestimate how much others like them.
In our experiments, whether in the United States or the United Kingdom, participants talked with strangers they had never met before, including strangers in laboratories, new roommates, or potential colleagues in the workplace. We asked the participants about their level of liking for the person they spoke with and how much they thought the other person liked them. Sometimes, “liking” was defined as “interest in knowing more about the other person” or the willingness to “imagine becoming friends with the other person in the future”. In other cases, we did not define “liking” and instead let the participants assess based on their personal feelings.
We constantly find that after a conversation, there is a negative bias: people feel they like the other person more than the other person likes them (“I believe my liking for them far exceeds their liking for me”). That is, they systematically overlook their own attractiveness and the fondness others have for them, which we call the “Liking Gap”.
The “Liking Gap” indicates that people are too pessimistic about their first interactions, but its influence is not limited to first meetings. It subtly affects various interpersonal relationships, such as interactions between colleagues, and can even persist long after the first conversation has ended. For example, in one study, there was a “Liking Gap” between colleagues who had worked together for six months, and the larger the gap, the less likely they were to seek help from or give honest feedback to a colleague, and the less inclined they were to collaborate again.
Decades of research have proven that in the work environment, individuals with healthy interpersonal relationships tend to enjoy lower turnover rates and higher productivity and job satisfaction. One crucial point is that these positive outcomes are not entirely based on others’ views but are deeply influenced by our beliefs in these views. Our research suggests that people always lean towards a negative view of others’ evaluations, an attitude that is not conducive to their growth and advancement in the workplace.
Why do people find it hard to see the positive evaluations others have of them? This is because people often focus too much on their negative aspects, and self-critical thinking plays a key role in this. We asked participants to record their impressions of themselves and the other person after their first conversation. The results showed that the participants often had a more negative self-evaluation compared to their evaluation of others, making it difficult for them to accurately perceive the extent of the others’ liking. While self-criticism to some extent helps people identify mistakes and learn from experiences, it equally tends to lead them to underestimate how others view them.
Negative expectations and social avoidance The tendency toward self-criticism does not only emerge after conversations, but already exists before anticipating an interaction. Studies find that when people anticipate communicating with individuals of different races, ages, socio-cultural backgrounds, or from different departments within companies, they tend to be pessimistic due to self-critical thinking and may as a result avoid engaging with these diverse people. This can lead to negative bias and associated prejudices, potentially hindering the formation of broader social networks and a more inclusive workplace culture.
The importance of shifting attention How can we adjust these misconceptions to align personal beliefs with reality? Shifting attention might be a good start. During social interactions or formal meetings, try to focus more on the person you’re conversing with, show curiosity about them and ask questions actively, listen to their answers. Concentrating on the other person can reduce the attention on self-related issues, improve the quality of the conversation, and lower the occurrence of self-criticism. Although it’s not easy, as people naturally tend to refocus on themselves and their issues, our research finds that these perceived conversational mishaps often don’t attract special attention from others.
For example, one participant felt that the conversation they had was pleasant, and thought that the other person appeared “friendly, enthusiastic, and excelling.” However, they worried about appearing “too eager” or even concerned about their social skills being inadequate. These cases show that people worry about potential embarrassment or criticism, but often these fears are imagined or at the very least exaggerated.
Ways to overcome social fears The best strategy to effectively cope with these groundless fears is to engage actively in social interactions. One could try reaching out to friends, initiating conversations with colleagues, participating in social events, and making sure to focus on the conversation partner rather than oneself. By doing so, one can interact more comfortably with others and also enjoy the pleasures of socializing more.
Remember, people might like you more than you think.
Self-management is a critically important skill that has a significant impact on both personal and professional life. Researchers exploring social connections and the psychological barriers that hinder us from establishing them have found that the development of interpersonal interactions and communication skills is crucial for building successful networks.
Erica Busby is a postdoctoral researcher at the Wharton School of Business, with expertise in the field of negotiation teaching and research. Dr. Busby is dedicated to studying the psychology of social connections and exploring how these social ties affect people’s lives. Her educational background includes obtaining a Ph.D. from Yale University and working at the Center for Behavioral Economics and Decision Research at Cornell University.
Gus Cooney is a social psychologist focused on conversation and social interaction, teaching negotiation at the Wharton School of Business.
Adam Mastriani is a social psychologist and research scholar at Northwestern University, not only teaching negotiation skills in MBA and management courses but also writing the popular science newsletter “Experimental History” on social psychology.
Andrew Reese serves as a behavioral data scientist at BetterUp, blending data analytics with behavioral psychology to guide professionals in the workplace.
Jillian Sandstrom is a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Sussex, dedicated to researching how to make having difficult conversations (such as talking about cancer, miscarriage, or the pain of losing a relative) easier, and encourages people to communicate with strangers.
