The Power of Mindset
Different individuals can produce vastly different results when handling the same problem. Traditional concepts attribute this to personality as if it were predetermined and unchangeable. However, a deeper understanding reveals that these differences actually stem from each person’s pattern of thinking. The renowned author San Mao pointed out that suffering can be a lesson; those who can fully utilize their suffering demonstrate intelligence. This reflects the wisdom brought about by the “growth mindset” that Carol S. Dweck discusses in her book “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success.”
Growth Mindset: The Great Wisdom of Reshaping Oneself
Take, for example, a friend named Ruonan, who has worked diligently as an accountant in a company for seven years, garnering the support of colleagues and recognition from her superiors. When the finance manager retired and suggested that she replace him, Ruonan was confident after her interview with the director. Unfortunately, the company ultimately chose someone else for the position. This unexpected setback caused her to feel shame and anger and even to start doubting her abilities. However, at the moment she decided to resign, she realized that losing this opportunity was just one of life’s setbacks. To succumb to it would be the real failure. She embraced a growth mindset and acknowledged that while those with a fixed mindset gauge their abilities based on events, those with a growth mindset do not easily label themselves or lose confidence. Instead, they invest more energy into problem-solving and improving their capabilities, thus turning all disappointments into fleeting clouds.
Growth Mindset: The Preservative of Intimate Relationships
The growth mindset is equally applicable in maintaining interpersonal relationships. For instance, my classmate Xiao C considered divorcing her husband over daily life squabbles. In her romantic history, each relationship began with passion but always ended due to conflicts in values. The controversy this time was that she found her husband’s dirty clothes from three days ago still in the laundry basket. When I asked if she had attempted peaceful communication, she said no. Xiao C found her husband’s sloppiness intolerable and believed that a mismatch in core values meant there was no need to continue. This reflects the limitations of a fixed mindset; she failed to realize that even seemingly incompatible values can be improved through discussion and joint effort.
She continued to pursue the dream of a “perfect partner.” In her view, an ideal marriage should be instantly achieved, flawless, and perpetually harmonious. However, real life is not like this; no marriage is entirely without flaws. In the movie “Before Midnight,” the male protagonist Jesse wants his wife Celine to follow him to the United States to live, but the independent Celine wishes her husband would support her career and devote more time to the family and children. They both try to change each other but cannot achieve their desires.
Fortunately, they did not rigidly cling to their own patterns of thinking. Through relentless friction and communication, they realized that only by working together could spouses support each other and build happiness together. So, when their marriage faced challenges, they chose to embrace each other’s imperfections with love and patience and were willing to make changes and compromises for each other.
Marriage is full of trivial disputes: why is housework always undertaken by one person, allowing the other to stand idly by without a care? Why can’t items be put back in their original place after use? Whose wishes should be followed on weekends: going out to dine or staying at home to watch a movie as the other desires? Whether we feel happy is not determined by these things themselves, but rather by how we view and solve these issues. Instead of arguing over who’s right and who’s wrong, it’s better to work together to find solutions. Rather than being fixated on finding the “perfect partner,” it’s preferable to grow and improve together with your partner.
Adopting a growth mindset, learning to let go of criticism and blame, and moving towards cooperation can keep a marriage fresh and vibrant for a long time.
Growth Mindset: Becoming the Best Coach for Your Child
A colleague of mine has a very smart and adorable son. Whenever he achieves excellent results, she always praises him: “You’re so smart!” “You’re really great!” But as the child moved up to higher grades, his performance plummeted, which led her to worry and wonder. Despite his intelligence, why wasn’t he studying diligently? This caused what was once a warm family to become chaotic and messy.
Underneath this lies the shadow of a fixed mindset, causing the child to become obsessed with the outcome of praise and neglecting the learning process. Equating “smart” with “grades,” the side effect is that once the child encounters challenges and difficulties, they may not be able to maintain their previous performance and start to doubt whether they have become less intelligent. To not lose the label of “smart,” they might choose to avoid studying, hence developing a strong rebellious attitude.
In her book, Carol points out that we should avoid evaluative praise focused solely on intelligence, and should instead be proud of our children’s efforts. There’s nothing wrong with encouraging education, but as parents, it’s more important to use a growth mindset to encourage children to focus on the process and challenges and to learn from failure. Instead of praising children’s intelligence, it would be better to appreciate their diligence and hard work; instead of praising children for high scores, it’s better to appreciate the progress they’ve made in a certain subject.
If a child’s performance is not up to par, we should discuss the pros and cons of their actions together and continue to improve to enhance their performance. Through the shared growth process of a growth mindset, the child will realize that effort itself is more important than the outcome.
To cultivate a growth mindset, try the following four steps:
- Accept: Recognize that a fixed mindset is a limitation everyone encounters, and there’s no need to feel ashamed or afraid.
- Observe: When facing challenges, notice those negative inner voices; they are signals of a fixed mindset.
- Name: Give this way of thinking a specific name, like “Da Zhuang,” “Xiao Shuai,” or “Xiao Mei.” When difficulties arise, these names remind you not to be swayed by negative thoughts.
- Educate: Talk to your fixed mindset, patiently telling it that although you may not have found a solution yet, you will continue to explore and make gradual progress.
When we successfully address a fixed mindset and turn it towards a path of growth, we can tackle complex problems with a more positive attitude.
As Tolstoy said, “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing themselves.” Life is continuously challenging, and to change the status quo, one must first change oneself. Cultivating a growth mindset throughout life will reap endless benefits and can also be applied to help family and friends.
